Discussing end-of-life is taboo in most families. It’s an inevitable part of life, but talking about it can imply you’re attracting the thing you want to avoid. However, you must convince everyone to cooperate as this talk can help your loved one live their remaining days without worrying about what could happen after they’re gone.
Find out the significance and what you must do to make end-of-life planning successful.
Importance of the End-of-Life Discussion
About 90% of people deem it necessary to have an end-of-life discussion with a loved one, but only 27% have done so. Various reasons lead to this disconnect, including avoiding having such a talk and denial.
Passing away is a natural process, but people view it as unacceptably negative. Here are reasons that might convince you to push an end-of-life conversation with family members:
- You can fulfill your loved one’s wishes: Your terminally ill family member may prefer an end of life at home instead of a hospital or facility or have their remains be cremated. You will know their choices by opening up such a conversation instead of guessing what they want.
- Involve your loved one in the decision-making: It’s empowering for your senior mom or dad if they can make decisions for themselves until the end.
- You’ll feel less guilty and depressed: Knowing you can make the things they want to happen until their last day makes you feel less guilty about not doing enough. It will make moving on from grief easier.
The Right Time for a Conversation
Unfortunately, there’s no right time for this conversation. It will always be a painful and heart-wrenching moment. Here are some things to help you set the tone for effective communication.
When and Where It Should Happen
There’s no rule for this, as it depends on every circumstance. If your other siblings live out of state or abroad, you may want to wait until everyone is present before having the talk. Remember, you don’t want to wait too long, especially if your loved one’s health rapidly declines. It’s better to have the conversation at the dining table than in the ICU.
Who Is Involved
Ideally, you’d want to involve all your siblings and others who can help make decisions about the matter. You can proceed with the discussion if others live far away and can’t make it immediately. Record the conversation so you have some reference. Better yet, have other participants on a conference call so they can join.
Agenda to Discuss
It’s best to have a checklist of the things to discuss, as there can be a lot. To avoid being overwhelmed, divide the topics into three:
- Items to be addressed now: Examples include unsettled conflicts, personal matters, outstanding debts, financial concerns, sources of money and how to access them, and where important papers are kept.
- End-of-life care: Decide a health care proxy and create an advanced directive, such as a last will. You should also discuss how to settle end-of-life care expenses.
- After-life wishes: Talk about where they want to experience an end of life or be buried, how far to go regarding treatment options, and how to handle their remains. Assess how to pay for expenses after death, such as the cost of creating a memorial and service fees.
Completing an end-of-life discussion and covering every point in one sitting may be challenging. Depending on your loved one’s health situation, it may take days or weeks.
Delving Into End-of-Life Cost
Expenditures related to passing away can rack up to $155,000, resulting in a massive financial burden to the remaining families for those without insurance or assets.
Medicare and Medicaid may help cover a fraction of the cost, but adult children mainly contribute to pool funds and pay the expenses. Most out-of-pocket payments go to doctor visits, medical procedures, nursing home care, hospice care service, and funeral and burial costs, including transport and embalming.
During the talk, don’t feel guilty asking your loved one about their financial resources, including insurance, savings, and investments. You can work with a financial adviser for this.
Creating Advance Directives
Living wills and advance directives are legal documents detailing your loved one’s instructions when they can no longer make sound decisions. They include their preferences regarding medical care.
These documents benefit family members as they relieve them of the decision-making stress and potential conflicts that will arise due to contrasting opinions from family members.
1. Power of Attorney
Your loved one will appoint a person to make care decisions on their behalf when they can’t do so themselves. If specified, you will be called a health care agent, proxy, surrogate, or patient advocate. When a loved one’s health suddenly declines, prompting them to need surgery, you’ll help with the decision.
2. Living Will
Your loved one may want to donate an organ to someone or for research or don’t want to undergo a specific treatment to extend their life. A living will spells out their wishes and medical choices should their life end, including where they want to die, how to dispose of their body, and the choice regarding life-sustaining treatment, such as intubation.
3. Last Will
This document outlines who can legally distribute or inherit your loved one’s financial possessions, including their homes, cars, and other properties.
Advanced directives should be in writing. The original copy should be stored in a safe but easily accessible area. Give the doctor a copy so they know your loved one’s care decisions.
An End of Life Discussion Is Beneficial
There’s no right or less painful way to begin a conversation about the end of life. The impermanence of life is a hard pill to swallow, but opening up a talk about it can alleviate massive stress when a loved one’s life ends.
p.s. Related posts:
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