Top 10 Books to Empower Kids About Their Bodies
The stats on child sexual abuse are alarming. I met author and mom, Jay Dale, on Twitter and she asked me if I was going to cover this issue. I usually post lists of books but wasn’t familiar with books on this topic, and honestly, I struggle with The Birds and the Bees Talk. Still, this is a really important topic and I am delighted that Jay agreed to guest post for me.
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We teach our children about water safety and road safety — it is equally important to teach our children ‘body safety’ from a very young age. As both a teacher and a mother, I strongly recommend to all parents that ‘body safety’ becomes a normal part of your parenting conversation. The sexual abuse of children has no social boundaries, and providing children with body safety skills empowers them with knowledge of what is good and bad touch.
The statistics of 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys being sexually interfered with before their 18th birthday is truly frightening, and as many experts point out, this statistic only reflects reported cases. Also, 93% of children will know their perpetrator. The community’s focus has so often been on ‘stranger danger’ — however, the reality is, that the perpetrator will most likely be someone in the child’s immediate family circle and a person they know and trust.
There are a number of fantastic books available to teach children body safety skills. Children are visual learners so the story is an excellent medium when broaching this subject with your child. Here are my top ten.
Keeping Kids Safe from Inappropriate Touch
1. Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept by Jayneen Sanders, illustrated by Craig Smith
2. My Body Belongs To Me by Jill Starishevsky, illustrated by Sara Muller
A rhyming book that speaks to children about boundaries when it comes to touching and their bodies. It’s pretty graphic despite the simple rhymes:
“My uncle’s friend came over
and sat down next to me,
and touched me in that place
that no one else can see.”
3. Matilda Learns a Valuable Lesson by Holly-Ann Martin, illustrated by Marilyn Fahie
4. Amazing You by Dr. Gail Saltz, illustrated by Lynne Avril Cravath
5. The Right Touch by Sandy Kleven, illustrated by Jody Bergsma
A read-aloud story to help prevent child sexual abuse. “Lots of kids say they get warning feelings when things are not safe. Some children say it’s a nervous feeling. Others say that their tummies feel upset. So be sure to pay attention when warning feelings tell you to watch out.”
“Sometimes grown-ups, babysitters, and bigger kids try to trick children into secret touching games that might seem fun at first. … And remember, touching problems are never a child’s fault.”
6. I Said No! by Zack and Kimberly King, illustrated by Sue Rama
7. Your Body Belongs to You by Cornelia Spelman, illustrated by Teri Weidner
Honorable Mention Appropriate Touch Picture Books for Kids
Do You Have a Secret? (Let’s Talk About It!) by Jennifer Moore-Mallinos, illustrated by Marta Fàbrega
A very gentle book describing the difference between good secrets and bad secrets and what to do if you have a bad secret. [picture book, ages 4 and up]
No More Secrets for Me by Oralee Wachter, illustrated by Jane Aaron
In four separate stories on the theme of sexual abuse of children, young victims are able to articulate their feelings and defend themselves, often with the help of another person whom they trust.
Laurie Tells by Linda Lowery, illustrated by John Eric Karpinski
It’s been two years since it first happened when Laurie was nine-years-old and she still can’t understand why her dad is hurting her.
But now it’s not monsters and spooks
that scare me.
Now it’s my dad.
…
The first time it happened,
I was nine.
He was saying good-night,
scratching my back.
And then he reached
under my nightgown
and touched my body all over.
…
I hated what he was doing to me.
I began to cry.
[advanced picture book, ages 9 and up]
Miles is the Boss of His Body by Samantha Kurtzman-Counter and Abbie Schiller, illustrated by Valentina Ventimiglia
It’s Miles’ birthday and his family wants to help him celebrate but they are touching in ways that annoy him. He does not want his cheeks pinched by his grandfather, a birthday noogie from his older brother, a squeezy hug from his mom for his Aunt Millie, picked up and held high by his dad, tickled by the Birthday Chicken, or patted by the pizza delivery guy. Miles stands up for himself and his family, instead of getting upset, is proud of him. [picture book, ages 2 and up]
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To further help parents, here is a summary of the very important body safety skills every parent should teach their child. Please note, these skills can be taught gradually and in daily conversations as your child grows.
Body Safety Skills
1. As soon as your child begins to talk and is aware of their body parts, begin to name them correctly, e.g. toes, nose, eyes, etc. Children should also know the correct names for their genitals from a young age. Try not to use ‘pet names’. This way, if a child is touched inappropriately, they can clearly state to you or a trusted adult where they have been touched.
2. Teach your child that their penis, vagina, bottom, breasts, and nipples are called their ‘private parts’ and that these are their body parts that go under their swimsuit. Note: a child’s mouth is also known as a ‘private zone’.
3. Teach your child that no one has the right to touch or ask to see their private parts (and if someone does, they must tell you or a trusted adult (or older teenager) straight away. Reinforce that they must keep on telling until they are believed. (Statistics tell us that a child will need to tell three people before they are believed.) As your child becomes older (3+) help them to identify five people they could tell. These people are part of their ‘network’.
4. Teach your child that if someone (i.e. the perpetrator) asks them to touch their own private parts or shows their private parts to the child this is wrong also and that they must tell a trusted adult (or older teenager) straightaway. Reinforce that they must keep on telling until they are believed.
5. At the same time as you are discussing appropriate touch, talk about feelings. Discuss what it feels like to be happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. Encourage your child in daily activities to talk about their feelings, e.g. ‘I felt really sad when … pushed me over.’ This way your child will be more able to verbalize how they are feeling if someone does touch them inappropriately.
6. Talk to your child about feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’. Discuss times when your child might feel ‘unsafe’, e.g. being pushed down a steep slide; or ‘safe’, e.g. snuggled up on the couch reading a book with you. Children need to understand the different emotions that come with feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’. For example, when feeling ‘safe’, they may feel happy and have a warm feeling inside; when feeling ‘unsafe’ they may feel scared and have a sick feeling in their tummy.
7. Discuss with your child their ‘early warning signs’ when feeling unsafe, i.e. heart racing, feeling sick in the tummy, sweaty palms, feeling like crying. Let them come up with some ideas of their own. Tell your child that they must tell you if any of their ‘early warning signs’ happen in any situation. Reinforce that you will always believe them and that they can tell you anything.
8. As your child grows, try as much as possible to discourage the keeping of secrets. (Perpetrators rely heavily on children keeping secrets.) Talk about happy surprises such as not telling Granny about her surprise birthday party and ‘bad’ secrets such as someone touching your private parts. Make sure your child knows that if someone does ask them to keep an inappropriate secret that they must tell you or someone in their network straight away.
9. Discuss with your child when it is appropriate for someone to touch their private parts, e.g. a doctor if they are sick (but make sure they know you must be in the room). Discuss with your child that if someone does touch their private parts (without you there) they have the right to say: ‘No!’ or ‘Stop!’ and outstretch their arm and hand. Children (from a very young age) need to know their body is their body and no one has the right to touch it inappropriately.
10. Lastly, sexual abuse prevention education is not only a parent’s responsibility, it is also the community’s responsibility. Ask your child’s kinder or school if they are running such a program. If they are not, ask why not. And PLEASE lobby for it.
Note: The above points are a summary of the body safety skills your child needs to learn. If you wish to learn more, go to such organizations as Just Tell, Childhelp, and Stop It Now.
Some General Grooming Techniques to be Wary Of
• Be aware of any person who wishes to spend a great deal of time with your child, seeking out their company and offering to take care of them.
• A person who pays special attention to your child, making them feel more special than any other child; providing them with special treats, presents, sweets, etc.
• A person who is always willing to help out and ‘babysit’ when you are extremely busy and pushed for time.
Note: Sexual offenders will always plan who they target, they will work hard at getting both the child and the family’s trust. They will create opportunities to be alone with children or groups of children and may well target vulnerable communities.
They frequently change jobs and address to avoid detection. They will often spend a lot of time with children outside of their jobs. Sex offenders may well set up a scenario where a child has a reputation for lying so as to discredit them if they ever should disclose.
Normal sexual behavior
Children have a natural curiosity about their bodies and sex. This is normal. If you see any of the following behavior try not to react in a negative way. Sexual curiosity is how child learns about their gender. Age-appropriate sexual behavior is as follows:
• babies, toddlers, and young children exploring their genitals and enjoying being naked
• question about why they have a penis and girls don’t (and vice versa), ie trying to work out the difference between what it is to be male and what it is to be female
• showing others their genitals
• playing with doctors and nurses and/or mommies and daddies, kissing and holding hands with children of a similar age
• using slang words or ‘rude’ words they have picked up
• looking at each other’s body parts (particularly children under 7, close in age and who know each other ) in mutual agreement, ie no-one is being forced to show the other’s body parts
• as they get older, curious about where they came from; maybe giggly and embarrassed about body parts discussion
Some General Signs that a Child (0 to 12 years) May be Being Sexually Abused
Note: one or more of these indicators does not mean your child is being sexually abused, but if they do show these indicators, then there is good reason to investigate further.
• overly interested in their or other’s genitals and continually wants to touch the private parts of other children
• instigating and/or forcing ‘sex play’ with another child (often younger, more than 3 years difference in age)
• sex play is not appropriate ie oral-genital contact between a 7-year-old and a 4-year-old
• sex play with another child happening more than once, despite careful monitoring and discussion about inappropriateness
• persistent masturbation that does not cease when told to stop
• sexualized play with dolls or toys
• sexualized play involving forced penetration of objects vaginally or anally
• chronic peeping, exposing, and obscenities
• touching or rubbing against the genitals of adults or children they do not know
• persistent use of ‘dirty’ words
• describing sexual acts and sexualized behavior beyond their years
• strong body odor
• sores around the mouth
• bruising or bleeding in the genital area, bruising to breasts, buttocks, lower abdomen or thighs
• withdrawn and anxious behavior
• secretive or say they have a ‘special’ secret that they must not tell
• child or child’s friend telling you about interference directly or indirectly
• going to bed fully clothed
• increase in nightmares and sleep disturbances
• regressive behavior, for example, a return to bed-wetting or soiling
• unexplained accumulation of money and gifts
In older children (adolescents)
• self-destructive behavior such as drug dependency, suicide attempts, self-mutilation
• eating disorders
• adolescent pregnancy
• persistent running away from home
• withdrawn, angry
• pornography interest; verbally sexually aggressive obscenities
Jayneen Sanders (aka Jay Dale) is a teacher, author, mother of three teenage daughters, and an active advocate for sexual abuse prevention education both in the home and in schools. Jayneen has written many children’s books over the last 20 years and is currently the lead author of Engage Literacy —a new P–3 literacy series published by Capstone Classroom. Jayneen is the author of the children’s picture book Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept. To be read to children ages 3 to 12 years. The book includes notes for parents, and discussion questions to guide parents, caregivers,m, and teachers. For more information on this topic and Jay’s book go to www.somesecrets.info
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It is such an important issue one can never be prepared enough! You covered every aspect of this problem, thanks so much for posting this. Sometimes I feel like people are scared to talk about body safety – it makes them uncomfortable or maybe scared, not sure.
Hi Alexandra,
You are so right. Body safety does make people uncomfortable. I hesitated at first to post on it, then when I realized how important it was, I found that I didn’t know any books on this topic. I am so grateful to have Jay Dale guest post for me. She is an expert on this topic!
This is an excellent post on an incredibly difficult topic. Thanks for posting it on your blog.
Thanks Maryanne! I am grateful to Jay for her guest posting!
What an amazing list of resources for parents, teachers, students and medical personnel. I love the fact that the warning signs are shown for different age groups making it that much easier for discussion groups. Will definitely pin to my board!
Thanks Barbara! I am grateful to Jay for supplying such extensive and helpful information on such an important topic. It will certainly make talking about it with my kids easier! My school does a program every year as well but it’s probably something that should be reinforced periodically at home (though it is a difficult and uncomfortable topic!).
These are all our favorites as well! Also enjoying The Sex-Wise Parent for my own reading to break apart the taboo of understand sexuality and the importance of not being afraid to talk to our children about their bodies, puberty & sexuality.
Hi Adrianne,
Thank you for your great book recommendation. You are right about the importance of being able to talk to their kids about their bodies, puberty and sexuality (but it’s not easy!!!).
Never in my life did i think I would have to deal with someone I knew being sexually molested – mustless TWO – and both very young nephews of mine! This prompted me to be an over- bearing, over-cautious, and a STAY HOME mom involved in everything my 3 kids did. Feeling that I made it through and ‘saved’ my kids, i now have to worry about my 6 yr old granddaughter who spends most time w/her mother & who knows who else. Ive gotten no help from DCFS even tho her mama has an older cousin staying with her that has a pending case of child abuse. It seems like grandparents have any rights. All I want is for my precious granddaughter to have a safe & normal life – as all children should. The fear I have inside of me is so overwhelming & I’m constantly stressed out to the point that this is all I can think of. If she is not spending the night with us, all I do is lay awake and pray until I fall asleep. Any suggestions? Any LEGAL suggestions? Thank you…..
I think it would be a really good idea to ring the Hotline for Childhelp if you are in the US and ask their opinion. Very tricky subject but action is required to protect this little girl.
Thanks for your expert advice Jayneen. I am emailing it to her as well.
Hi Cindy,
Did you see Jayleen’s comment? I’ll email it to you too:
I think it would be a really good idea to ring the Hotline for Childhelp if you are in the US and ask their opinion. Very tricky subject but action is required to protect this little girl.
Thank you so much for your advice. Apparently Ive been told I don’t have any ‘evidence’ but in the same token I have warned the states atty & lawyer that if ANYTHING happens, someone is going to pay dearly for my princess. One of the worst things I forgot to mention is that mom is an alcoholic & my little one is not getting to school everyday. I’m again wondering where the law is…where is DCFS or truancy? Its not like I haven’t told them this. She just gets drunk & does not wake up til 12 or 1 in the afternoon. She missed last Thurs & Fri and this Tues & Wed. Guess Kindergarten isn’t important enough to monitor….. I really appreciate your suggestions & you’ve encouraged me again to get back on the band wagon & KEEP TRYING. Thank you much….
Hi Cindy,
I think that it’s so important for you to keep trying since you seem to be the only person who is aware of what is going on!
Very important topic. I am so glad I read it. I would prefer to avoid it and just not let my kids out of my sight but I know this is not always possible as they get older. Thanks for the book list.
Hi Ann,
Her book list is great and I find that a book to frame up the topic that is also appropriate for kids makes it much easier to discuss with kids.
Cindy, find a clinical psychologist with experience in child sexual abuse – most states have a website to search psychologists based on their specialty. They would probably be the best person to ask advice.
God Bless you for your comments & concerns. I’m feeling more confident (as opposed to where I was – giving up) about where to go for resources.
Hi Adrianne,
Thank you so much for giving such helpful advice to Cindy. It could make a huge difference for her granddaughter’s well being. I can imagine that it’s very frustrating for her that no action is taking place and she is worried sick about her. It’s such a difficult position to be in.
Great to see “Jasmine’s Butterflies” on your list. My latest Protective Behaviours children’s story book is due for release next month. The Protective Behaviours Program assists children to develop personal safety strategies and the storybook “Michael’s Bubbles” will help teach children about the concept of personal space and safe touch. Look out for its release on our website http://www.protectivebehaviourswa.org.au
Hi Justine,
Thanks for the heads up about your upcoming book. I’ll watch for it and add it to this list!
This is quite a difficult topic to discuss with your children. But as parents, you must overcome the difficulties on order to protect your children. This is one step to that. Thanks for sharing it.
I totally agree. Adults fear of this topic is putting our children at risk. Forewarned is forearmed. And knowledge, especially about their bodies, empowers children.
Hi Jayneen,
I would also say that constant reinforcement is important. My kids get this message from time to time from a special presentation at school and at their karate studio, but it’s not enough. I have to remember to check in with them more and a book would help me to bring it up so I appreciate this list from Jay Dale myself!
Actually, if you start when they’re young, it’s really not that uncomfortable. Just like we teach them not to hit or to stop tickling if someone says no, we need to teach them that their privates are special and deserve special respect. Protecting kids’ bodies doesn’t even involve the word sex until they’re old enough. It’s really about respect for our bodies and other people and letting them know we are their protectors. We make it uncomfortable for ourselves by trying to ignore the existence of sexuality in our growing children. Abuse is scary – prevention isn’t!
Hi Adriane,
That is a really good point: Abuse is scary – prevention isn’t!
Hi KC,
I totally agree with it is an uncomfortable topic to discuss with kids but you are right that we still need to do it.
Dear Friends,
This essay is very helpful to anyone who cares about children. Thank you for posting it! I also think that children need training in self-defense to help them avoid abuse. I think that all school systems should give self-defense training to kids.
Best wishes!
Janet Heller Author of the award-winning book for kids about bullying, How the Moon Regained Her Shape (Sylvan Dell, hardback–2006, paperback–2007, e-book, audio, and Spanish edition–2008, 3rd paperback edition and iPad app–2012)
Hi Janet,
You bring up a good point. Self defense for kids is never a wasted experience. I doubt that schools would ever be able to do this but I am also a firm believer in teaching kids self defense through martial arts. A black belt is not necessary but a year or two is enough to be effective.
Wonderful! We are JustTell -the only US nonprofit whose mission is to encourage youth who are being sexually abused to choose an adult they trust and tell them what’s happening. We thank you got this great post. We’ll be sharing links to it. Thank you!!
Thanks so much JustTell. I’m grateful to my guest blogger! Such an important topic that is definitely hard to talk about and books for kids help to have a discussion. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for also informing people about non-touch methods of sexual abuse that sexual abusers are known to use.
Hi Lynda,
My guest author did such a wonderful and comprehensive job on this post. She is really knowledgable and I’m glad to help share the information. It’s such an important topic!
You know what’s sad? We have to give these kinds of books to the kids. I’m going to buy a couple for my nieces and nephews to educate them.
Hi Christopher,
It is sad. But I do think it’s important to talk about this with kids to keep them safe. You are kind to buy them for your nieces and nephews.
I sigh when I read the “warning signs of being groomed” because parenting is hard and its awful that people have to start distrusting those who want to help. I’m not arguing with that point, just thinking its hard.
Hi Christy,
I totally agree with you. Some warning signs make a parent feel paranoid as if anything can be construed as inappropriate touch. But I think the message that Jay wants to give is that open communication is the key to keeping kids safe. Secrets are dangerous.
Hi! Thanks for the wonderful article! Shedding light on the topic of abuse is the first step toward prevention and here you have shed much light! May we share this article at the Stop Abuse Campaign? And also, may I send you copies of I”M THE BOSS OF ME and WE ARE JUST ALIKE for use in future articles? Thanks so much for all you do to be part of the solution, Lala : )
HI Laura,
We would be happy to exchange some of our Protective Behaviours Story books for some of yours. I don’t think I have seen ‘I’m the boss of me’ or ‘we are just alike’.
message me to arrange – justine.omalley@bigpond.com
Hi Justine,
What a great idea to exchange resources with Laura!
Hi Laura,
Thank you so much for sharing this post from my guest author and for sharing your books!
Hi Laura
Yes! Please feel free to share this article. And I would be very happy to take a look at your books. I can be contacted through our website at somesecrets.info Cheers Jayneen Sanders.
Thanks so much Jayneen!