Kickboxing with My Girls and Our ‘The Situation’-like Sensei

Mother Daughter Kickboxing

I thought it would be fun for me and my two girls to take kickboxing lessons together. Mother/Daughter bonding and all that. Our first lesson was eye-opening. Our Sensei was six feet of muscle with an accent and attitude out of Jersey Shore, the reality TV show. I think he missed his calling. It turns out he’s an MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) guy with Kempo, Jujitsu, Boxing and I suspect, a little Muay Thai Kickboxing, thrown in.

We’re learning the Jersey Shore version of kickboxing … What To Do If Someone Wants to Fight You At a Bar. (He seems well versed in this.)

“How many fights have you been in,” my daughter asks.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he replies.

Our lessons include How to Kick the Heavy Bags Over Onto the Ground. I’ve never been allowed to do that before. It turns out it’s bad for the bags. How to Choke and Kill Someone. How to Pummel Someone’s Head As They Lie Down on The Ground and You Straddle Them. And 1-2-3-4 to his stomach. 1/ jab to pad. 2/cross to pad. 3/hook to pad. 4/cross as hard as you can to his abs.

But our favorite part of our lesson is sparring with our teacher. In the beginning, he was clearly not impressed with our skills.

Lesson 1: He did not wear a cup and we were allowed to hit and kick him ANYWHERE.

Lesson 2: He wore a cup and we were allowed to hit and kick anywhere again.

Lesson 3: He wore his cup but now it’s only above the belt.

“Aren’t you wearing your cup?” I asked him.

“Awkward!,” my oldest daughter said.

My middle daughter laughed like Beavis and Butthead saying, “He said cup.”

Yes, he was wearing his cup but now above the waist. It’s just that, he’s tall. We’re short. Our kicks impact right around his waist, give or take a few inches.

By Lesson 8, he was working on straightening out our tendency to charge in, fists flailing but then fail to retreat. Also, blocking punches. We seem to prefer to have them land on our helmeted heads.

He forgot his cup for Lesson 8. It turned out it was in his Jujitsu bag in his car, parked outside the building, but he failed to mention this to us. The rules were above the waist. Here’s the problem. I get tired which causes me to kick lower.

Around minute 1.5, I truly meant to “Split the Guard” thereby landing a front kick to his chest or at least to his gloved hands, but, my bad, I felt a sickening soft thump off the top of the foot instead. He winced, but in the true spirit of the boys of Jersey Shore, refused to show weakness.

Perhaps it was because we taunted him before our match.

“Shouldn’t you, a triple black belt, be able to block your crotch?”

“Hunnnnnnnhahaha…you said crotch.”

“How can three GIRLS hurt you?”

My girls were writhing on the floor, snickering delightedly. One actually fell of the bench; she was laughing so hard.

“Did you see his face, mom?!”, they asked with great satisfaction.

I did not. As I apologized profusely, vowing not to kick anymore, he clocked me twice on the head in retaliation, and my ill-fitting helmet slipped, blocking my vision.

Ladies, it’s probably a good thing if you never have reason to kick a man in the groin, but I think every girl should learn how. There’s just something very satisfying about being able to kick butt. I don’t know if The Situation would agree, but our Sensei does. And during our next lesson, we noted, he remembered his cup.

Front Kick to Groin: Self Defense for Girls and Women

Everyone should learn this handy kick for self-defense. It’s very easy.

1. Fighting Stance. Right-handed? Left foot out, right foot back, legs hip-length apart. Hands up by my chin.

2. Flamingo front leg. Lift up your knee as high as you can against your chest (or thereabouts).

3. Extend leg. Be sure to point your toe and flex your foot. You MUST do this to protect your foot. Your leg doesn’t have to be so high in the air like the infographic. That guy is crazy flexible.

4. Strike. The graphic doesn’t show this, but now you bring your foot to the target. Think slow …  medium … then fast at impact. Bring your foot up slowly and gain speed as you near your target. Just as you strike, add a little speed for some snap.

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