Top 10: Gods of Modern Times, As Observed by Alien Archaeologists (humor)

What We Really Worship

Maybe I am reading too much mythology via Rick Riordan lately, but it does seem like the ancient civilizations who had a plethora of gods or goddesses specific to a certain thing or two had the right idea:  specialization plus multitudes equals better chance of getting attention from deities.  Nowadays, we tend to go with the all-the-eggs-in-one-basket approach.  There is nothing wrong with that but if aliens from another planet came down here millenia from now and excavated our sliver of civilization, I bet they would think we are actually worshipping these Gods and Goddesses.

1) Steve Jobs and Apple, God of Sleek Consumer Electronic Devices.  Also Steve Jobs is the God of the Career Come Backs and the God of Visionaries.  He also gets God of Communication.  He is believed to be derived from Mercury, Hermes and Anubis.

Places of Worship:  Sleek Apple Stores are erected in his honor.  The latest (#300), a behemoth  Covent Garden Temple of Worship, was newly erected (and designed apparently, by my Yoga Mom Friend’s Husband) and symbolizes progress, modernity, and sleek, covet-able industrial design.  Visiting a Temple/Apple Store is not the only means of worship, this deity is easy to reach.  In exchange for tithing, worshippers receive Sleek, Portable, Consumer Electronic Devices allowing direct communication 24/7.  Devout worshippers can be identified by the quantity of devices they possess.  Really devout followers have a shrine erected in their homes with older models as well.

Covent Garden Apple Store, Place of Worship for Apple Steve Jobs devotees,, humor, Pragmatic MomSteve Jobs, God of Sleek Portable Consumer Electronic Devices, Communication and Career Come Backs,, Pragmatic Mom

2) Martha Stewart, Fallen Goddess of Domestic Perfection

Like Hestia, Martha lost her seat at the place of Gods.  In her case, her seat was on the New York Stock Exchange due to frustration from a large faction of devotees who found that  achieving the domestic perfection she demands is pretty much impossible if you also raise your own children.  Also, the recipes she supplies are bland and tasteless.  There was a minor back story that she lost her place due to illicit dealings but that was just the cover story.  She was also cast into the Underworld by her disgruntled followers where she hangs out with Cronus and the other Titans.  In her case, the Underworld is a new network of television with low ratings resulting in a steep falling off of worshippers though she continues to have a small but highly devoted group still following her.  Very puzzling.

Places of worship include several highly detailed manses that serve to demonstrate the level of perfection she demands in her followers.  Strangely, there is also a crudely erected large building with bars over windows and extensive barbed wires walled sculptures.  This is not her usual style of Temple architecture.  These devotees lack the physical perfection of domesticity in clothing, food, and decor and yet they still were able to get their Goddess to spend significant time with them.  This surprises the archeological team.  They suspect that She sought new worshippers in rural areas but her outreach was not wholly successful.

Martha Steward, Fallen Goddess of Domestic Perfection,, Pragmatic MomAlderson Federal Prison, Camp Cupcake, Martha Stewart,, Pragmatic Mom

3) Walt Disney or Disney, God of Empowerment.   Key Message:  You Are The Really The One In Charge.  He’s very popular with children who flock to hear his message which is broadcast 24/7 though many channels and mediums.  True devotees will manage to get their families to make annual pilgrimages to the House of Worship’s largest Temples, including one that is housed on a large ocean liner.

Walt Disney, God of Empowerment,, Pragmatic MomDisneyWorld, God of Empowerment,, Temple of Worship, Pragmatic Mom

Disciples: Suze Orman, Tony Robbins, and Oprah Winfrey.  Oprah was so successful in carrying out his message that she became a minor Goddess herself.

Oprah Winfry, minor Goddess of Empowerment,, Pragmatic Mom

4) McDonalds, God of Convenient Feasting, God of the Road Trip.

Well known symbol of Golden Arches clearly marks Temples of Worship.  This popular, egalitarian God has most the populace coming to his Temple at some point.

McDonalds, God of Convenient Feasting,, Pragmatic MomMcDonalds, God of Convenient  Feasting,, Pragmatic MomRonald McDonald, God of Convenient Feasting,, Pragmatic Mom

5) God of Golf. This God can take many forms:  man, woman or child and has appeared as Ben Hogan, Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and fallen God Tiger Woods.

This God evolved seems to have evolved from Bacchus, God of Wine and Good Times.  Also related to God of Good Fortune and Luck.  There are many Temples of Worship that all have the same characteristics:  long green expanses culminating in a flat, disk shaped smooth grassy surface.  To worship, you must make an offering of a small white ball into a little hole.  The ball can be retrieved and offered again and again.  Devotees struggle to find signs of favor from their God by determining the placement of their ball when it lands or slides on the surface.  When this God is smiling, devotees will spend endless time recounting the sightings of their God through anecdotes of lucky ball landings.  True devotees can recount their entire pilgrimages hole by hole with shot-by-shot details.  Strangely, this God smiles equally on less skillful worshippers as highly skilled ones resulting in a core following that probably more devout than any other followers of Gods mentioned on this list.  This God is controversial, many households have other members of the family who do not worship this God causing strife and conflict resulting sometimes in bitter divorce.

There is also extensive literature produced from this God for devotees on the various fine points of worship.

Pebble Beach, Place of Worship for God of Golf,, Pragmatic MomBen Hogan, God of Golf,, Pragmatic Mom

6) Warren Buffet, God of Sensible but Outrageously Successful Financial Investing.  Also God of Anti-Nepotism and  God of Frugality.

His followers tithe to the nth degree but it pays off for them and even if it doesn’t, they don’t care.  They flock to an annual pilgrimage to worship at his feet.  He speaks to his populace through literature and books, and there are scores of devotees who create analysis and manuals to follow in the footsteps of their God.

His nickname, The Oracle of Omaha, references his direct lineage to The Oracle of Delphi.  With transparency and accountability, not to mention the best track record of any God of any civilization, ancient or otherwise, it’s a wonder that there are not greater legions of followers.  This can only be explained by #10 on the list.

Warren Buffett, God of Sensible but Outrageously Successful Investing,, Pragmatic Mom

7) Elvis Presley,  God of Rock and Roll, God of the Sloven.  Place of Worship:   Graceland.  Devotees make pilgrimages to the Temple but many erect their own at home using images of their God.  This God continues to recruit devotees despite inability to appear in human form.  One popular offering to worship him is to cook a pound of bacon very crispy and then consume it yourself in one sitting.

Elvis Presley lamp, Elvis Presley God of Rock and Roll and the Sloven,, Pragmatic Mom

8) Bono,  God of Rock Stars and Social Consciousness.

Places of Worship are erected temporarily and nomadic as in keeping with Social Consciousness tenets.  Followers tend to stay devoted throughout their entire lives once converted.  Worship rituals include loud music and free form dance.

Bono, U2, God of Rock Stars and Social Consciousness,, Pragmatic MomU2, Bono, God of Rock Stars and Social Consciousness,, Pragmatic Mom

9) A Plethora of Goddesses and Gods of Youthful Beauty and Physical Perfection.  This is the mother load of Gods and Goddesses, heavily populated in certain parts of the country, particularly in warm climates.  All have seemingly descended from Aphrodite whose prolific family tree seems to be resolutely based in Southern California.  Minor Gods, Goddesses and devotees worship the same tenets of GTL (Gym, Tan, Laundry) as expressed by recent minor God, the Situation, who strangely decamps outside the most heavily populated region of devotees.

10) Lady Luck, Goddess of Misplaced Optimism, Gambling and Chance.  Anti-Goddess of Statistical Probablity.

Much like Akhenaten erected an entire city devoted to one god, Aten, the Goddess of Misplaced Optimism (a.k.a. Lady Luck) has an entire thriving city devoted to her.  Despite bad buffets, stale air, and inevitable extreme tithing, her followers remain devoted and commute great distances to worship at her seat of power, Las Vegas (translated means The Meadows).  The name is symbolic for what happens to extreme devotees, lush fertile grounds turn into a desert wasteland, a symbolic loss of wealth.  Note that the God of Golf also has Temples here as they share the same lineage to Bacchus, The God of Wine and Good Times.  There are other temples to this Goddess throughout the world.

Las Vegas, Goddess of Misplaced Optimism, Lady Luck,, Pragmatic Mom, Pragmatic Mom, Las Vegas, Goddess of Misplaced Optimism

OK, I’ve had my fun for the day.  I’ll shut up and get back to blogging about education iPhone apps as a supplicant of the God of Sleek Cool and Well Designed Consumer Electronic Devices.

By Mia Wenjen, PragmaticMom

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge