Category: Humor for Moms

Snarky, Funny Fashionista Blog that Rips Celebrities Apart: Go Fug Yourself!

I wasn’t able to get my hands on the family iPad all day, so I snagged it last night when everyone when to bed.  If I seem snarky today, it’s because I was up late into the night, laughing until I snorted from GoFugYourself.  If you are old enough to remember Joan River’s TV show on Red Carpet Fashion with her daughter, this blog is 1000x funnier!  Or maybe more.

If you are not supposed to be reading fashion blogs right now, do yourself a favor and just click on these two links as the Fug Gals rip into Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow all the while trying very hard to like them.  Here’s the thing about The Fuggers:

  • They’re smart.
  • They’re funny.
  • They’re snarky but fair.  They don’t hit too far below the belt and if the celebrity does bad things in real life then they really go to town
  • They call it like they see it.  And they do acknowledge a good showing.

I can’t resist.  Here’s a really funny post on Drew Barrymore and Justin Long.  (Thumbnail photo above.  Sorry Justin, it cut your head off.)  I find their dialogs especially hilarious.

JUSTIN: Hey there, Drew.

DREW: Justin! Hi! You’re a Mac, and I’m a P.C.!

JUSTIN: No, we’re not dating anymore, let’s not play that game. It’s not going to end with the same kind of fun.

DREW: I think when the cosmos aligns, fun changes its stripes to a leopard.

JUSTIN: … Okay. Also, can we talk? I feel like I tried to be really dapper here…

DREW: You look like you came from my Mad Men catalog, which is where dreams give birth.

JUSTIN: … uh-huh… anyway, I went the distance, is what I’m saying. But you look like a static-cling commercial who went the distance while sitting in the engine of the plane:

DREW: Really?

JUSTIN: Really.

DREW: REALLY?

JUSTIN: Really.

DREW: Oh, JUSTIN!

JUSTIN: Wait, you’re… happy about that!

DREW: Of course I am, because this movie is about distance, and going across it, because love is the flame that the Heavens shoots on us and says, “Find your own bucket, Starfire.”

JUSTIN: And?

DREW: And so my hair represents a kind of passion that’s crispy like burnt toast, because at the end of the day, all that matters is whether your headstone can say, “She was a cannibal for love.”

JUSTIN: You want your tombstone to imply that you ate people?

DREW: In the sense that I’m a really good, mellow, thinking person, yes. I was love’s dinner and it was my dessert.

JUSTIN: I don’t think I understand any of these words in that order. AND I’m not sure about your makeup.

DREW: Listen, squirt, if it wasn’t for me you’d be hawking iMacs to college students with your hands in your pockets and torn sneakers. So get out of your dreams and into my car, you dig?

JUSTIN: … Wait, that actually made me kind of hot for you. Is that Mac/PC game still on the table?

DREW: It is on a placemat woven of cheese and cosmic soul fibers that–

JUSTIN: Okay, let’s do this thing before I change my mind.

Aug 22, 2010 | 0 comments View Post

HUMOR: Cartoon of Teachers 1960 vs. 2010

http://www.caglecartoons.com/images/preview/{e4e28807-361d-44b2-8681-b42f76405d24}.gif

Jul 12, 2010 | 0 comments View Post

Want a New Mom? Run This Ad (Humor for Moms!)

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

I found this on the internet, but sadly did not save the URL.  Forward this on to all the moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know that they are appreciated.

(I found this on the internet 6 months ago, and failed to document the author of this ad.  Sorry!)

From a ride to the store to help with medication, we have the perfect senior caregiver! Sittercity.com

May 08, 2010 | 4 comments View Post

Thanks God, for Mommy Prayers, A Mother’s Day Gift Idea for All Moms!

Dear God, Thank you for Mommy Prayers because when I read this book, I laughed so hard I accidentally spit out part of my lunch.  Thank you for Tracy Mayor because she’s a mom friend of my mom friend at work and I want her to be my mom friend, too.  Apparently we both have run into the same “Valium mom” at the playground:  Prayer at the Park (she’s really blonde, right?  With two blonde boys that push your kid off the ladder?  Yeah, I’ve seen her around too!)  I want to run into Tracy Major at the Park with the “Valium Mom” — my nickname, not hers — and talk trash about that mom to her! Tracy’s book makes me able to ‘fess up my mommy misdeeds, and normally I only do that with Capability:Mom.  I was too embarrassed to tell even her about the time I threw my son’s DS and broke in on purpose.  Well, it was because his dad was gone on a four day golf trip with buddies and I was really, really tired.  My son had 9 hours of screen time and when he finally shut off his DS, he threw it at my head.  Apparently I have anger management issues.  Or impulse control problems.  Or both.  Because my husband’s watch also fell into a bad way after I “on-purpose” threw in on the ground.  A few times.  No more watches as presents! Mommy Prayers also let’s me relive those precious but sleepless days with infant and toddler.  Both sets of infant and toddler.  Then preschooler, toddler and infant. Those were hard days.  But also precious memories were born of those days.  Now I remember how desperate and impossible a shower was back then.  And the stress of making the preschool pickup on-time.  And the “biting incidents.”  Actually, most of her book.  But now it’s funny.  It wasn’t so funny then.  But maybe it’s funny because Tracy is so funny.  BINGO, that’s probably it. And God, please let Mommy Prayers be a runaway success.  Like Oprah big.  Because I really, really, really want more books from Tracy.  And she’ll have more time to write if this book goes NY Times best seller for 20 weeks big and she can quit her job.  Thanks God. And one more thing, God.  Can you get all the dads to buy this for their wife for mother’s day?  It’s just around the corner, and every mom who has raised an infant and toddler deserves to read this book.  We all could use a good, deep chuckle and feel satisfied that we were not the only ones struggling.  And now we can laugh about it because we’re finally getting sleep. Thanks God!  And thank you, Tracy Mayor, for Mommy Prayers!

If you want to pair this book with chocolate, please check out my post on Fancy Nancy’s Candy for amazing, handmade, small-batch chocolates.  I love these chocolate purses!

If you want to steer your kids or husband to buy this book, you can have them click on the image of the book

or buy at the PragmaticMom Store under Infant Parenting Books or Book Reviews.  Thank You!

Baby Shower Favors

Apr 28, 2010 | 0 comments View Post

Humor for Moms: The Stages Of Motherhood

I found this at http://www.jokesaboutmothersday.com/:

Here is a light hearted presentation of what we all think about our moms, at different points of our lives. Don’t get surprised because we all have the same tendency towards our mothers!

4 Years Of Age – My Mommy can do anything; 
8 Years Of Age – My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot 
12 Years Of Age -My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything. 
14 Years Of Age -Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either 
16 Years Of Age -Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned 
18 Years Of Age -That old woman? She’s way out of date 
25 Years Of Age -Well, she might know a little bit about it 
35 Years Of Age -Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion 
45 Years Of Age -Wonder what Mom would have thought about it 
65 Years Of Age -Wish, I could talk it over with Mom

Mar 16, 2010 | 0 comments View Post

Humor: 13 Ways to Raise a Non Reader

by Dean Schneider and Robin Smith

I found this poster by Horn Book at my preschool. One of our assistant teachers was a children’s librarian and got this at a library conference. Hope you love it as much as I do. Because, of course, we all want to raise kids who hate books! :-)

1. Never Read where your children can see you.

2. Put a TV or Computer in every room. Don’t neglect the bathrooms and kitchen.

3. Correct Your Child every time she mispronounces a word.

4. Schedule Activities every day after school so your child will never get bored.

5. Once your child can read independently, Throw Out The Picture Books. They’re for babies!

6. Don’t Play board games together. Too dull.

7. Give little Rewards for reading. Stickers and plastic toys are good. Money is even better.

8. Don’t expect your children to enjoy reading. Kids’ books are for Teaching vocabulary, proper study habits, and good morals.

9. Buy only 40-Watt Bulbs for your lamps.

10. Under NO circumstances, read your child the same book Over and Over. She heard it once. She should remember it.

11. Never allow your children to listen to Books on Tape, that’s cheating.

12. Make sure your kids only read books that are “challenging.” Easy Books are a complete waste of time. That goes double for comic books and Mad Magazine.

13. Absolutely, positively No Reading in Bed!

Jan 28, 2010 | 0 comments View Post

Women Over 40 by Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes

In case you missed it on ’60 Minutes’, this is what  Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:  
    

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)    
  
Ladies,
   
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all.  Here are just a few reasons why:  
   
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, ‘What are you thinking?’  She doesn’t care what you think.   
 
If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do.  And it’s usually something more interesting.
 
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.  Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think of her or what she’s doing.
 
Women over 40 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it…
 
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.
 
Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.  They always know.
 
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. 
 
Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her…
 
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal.  For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.  
 
Ladies, I apologize for all of us.
 
 
Andy Rooney
——-
   
For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’, here’s an update for you.  Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.  
 
Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!    
   
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
 
Dec 15, 2009 | 0 comments View Post