Please welcome my guest blogger Faigie Kobre with a topic that I had started a few months ago — 50 Ways to Develop Your Child’s Self Esteem — but with no ideas in it. I don’t think I even had a single way written yet. Her post is on developing kids’ self-esteem, a gift that gives back that we, as parents, can bestow upon our children.
Four ways to help your child develop amazing self-esteem
Everyone wants their children to have good self-esteem. Most parents, however, seem clueless as to how to help their children acquire this most precious commodity. There are reams of information written about this topic. I can’t claim to be an expert or to have even read a fraction of what is available. A number of years ago though, I did read an amazing book called Your Child’s Self-Esteem by Dorothy Briggs. She goes through many, many points about self-esteem in her wonderful treatise and I am going to share some salient steps to helping your child develop good self-esteem.
What is good self-esteem?
Before we begin, we first need to understand what is good self-esteem.
Most people seem to think that it is supreme confidence. Some think it’s when kids think they are great. Often cocky, braggarts come across as having good self-esteem. The problem is that kids that seem to think they are great, don’t really think so and inside probably don’t think very well of themselves at all.
Someone with good self-esteem doesn’t think they are great. They don’t need to.
When you have self-esteem there is no need to impress others, you just feel glad that you are you. Self-esteem means that you know that you are lovable no matter what, just because you exist. It’s a feeling of knowing that you have something to offer to others without having to prove yourself.
While self-confidence can be broken up into different areas, self-esteem is the overall self-judgment. It comes across as quiet confidence and the willingness to try anything because if you fail, who cares? … you’re still OK.
When children see themselves as losers, they expect to fail and they act accordingly. Kids with high self-esteem rarely act out, they have no need to.
It is so sad how we often unwittingly tend to help with self-fulfilling prophecies. Kids that act out get punished and it becomes a vicious cycle.
If we would only realize that these behaviors are defense mechanisms and cover-ups for poor self-esteem. They are weapons against anxiety, fear, insecurity, and inadequacy.
When my oldest (of 6) was young she was very difficult . She was my first and with a strong personality, the product of my inexperience. She acted out in school and at home and I admit that I did not know how to handle her for a long time. I was getting outside help in dealing with her behavior when I started to realize that I needed to hug her more. Because she was so contrary, it was very hard for me to see past her difficult behavior to do so. Once I did realize how much she needed it and that her behavior was a cry for help, it became much easier.
I must have saved her in time because she turned out to be the most amazing mother.
Behaviors that show poor self-esteem
There are many types of behavior that point to a child’s lack of self-esteem. I am going to address 5 of the most common. Realize that when a child is acting in one of these ways it is a mask for poor self-esteem.
Tattling: Children that tattle need to make themselves feel important. Since they don’t know how to get the approval they need, they figure they will tattle on others. Maybe that will make them look better. Often parents and teachers unknowingly encourage this.
Bullying: Bullying has become a major problem. It was probably always around, but there is a big movement now to curb it. Bullies have lousy self-esteem. Lording it over weaker children makes them feel strong and coves up their inadequacies.
Overeating: Kids that overeat often remember the approval from their mothers when they ate as a child. When they are not getting comfort and support from the people in their lives, food almost becomes that symbol of affection.
Incessant chattering: Kids that talk incessantly are often doing so because they feel empty inside and need to draw attention to themselves.
The model child: How could this be a problem? Who doesn’t want a model child? Children need to be normal, however, and when a child is so compliant and super sweet, they become a slave to the need to be perfect and feel like they can’t be a normal child.
So how much is a child’s self-esteem our fault?
We are our children’s mirrors and mirrors create self-image. Children see themselves as we see them, and the way we relate to them, sort of tells them how to act.
The good news is that we as parents are not totally responsible for our child’s self-esteem. We do play a huge role, however, and even though we (hopefully) do the best we can with the tools we have, there are definite ways that we as parents can damage our children’s self-esteem. Below are some of the many ways for you to be aware of.
- Lack of realistic expectations: Many years ago I wanted to write an addendum to the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus I wanted to add…and children are from pluto (I think it was ousted as a planet right?). My point was to show that children are not born knowing what is the right thing to do. They are coming from a different planet … literally! and need to be shown the right way to do EVERYTHING. When parents have expectations that are too high and kids can’t meet them, they feel their parents’ disappointment and it lowers their self-esteem.
- Borrowed standards: Whoever said that boys don’t cry, or siblings should only love each other? These are standards we either get from our past or from others and we should be very careful as to what standards we hold up our children to.
- Words have tremendous power: Telling a child that they are impossible, or why can’t they be like their sister or talking about them when they can overhear makes them believe that everything we say is true. Remember they don’t know any better, and we are their mirrors. So if we tell them something it must be true.
- Our own unmet needs and current hunger: Children’s needs differ from ours. Just because we were not good at sports doesn’t mean we have to force our children to excel in them. We have to know who our children are. We don’t want children to fulfill a need that we never fulfilled like being a star student.
- Our own unfinished business: This is very closely connected to our own current hunger. If we had an older sibling and our child reminds us of that older sibling that we did not like, that child may get the full brunt of what we never were able to give our sibling.
So now that we know that loving our children is not enough, what are some practical steps we can take to help them develop self-esteem?
Practical steps to help our children develop good self-esteem
Did you know that by age 5 a child has already formed an opinion about himself? He mirrored what we thought of him, remember?
So if you are a parent of younger children keep these points in mind as early on as you can.
If your child is over 5 and you feel that you made many mistakes, remember “you did the best you can with the tools you have.” It’s not too late and you can use your new tools now to help them. Children that have had poor early experiences can be helped with many genuine, positive encounters.
Don’t forget that there are many, many things that contribute to a child’s good self-esteem. I picked out only four that I thought were some of the most important.
Ms. Briggs spends a lot of time in her book talking about a climate of love that the child needs to be surrounded with. You need to know what that means and you also need to realize that loving your child is not enough ... they need to clearly KNOW they are loved.
There are 4 ways to do this.
- Good consistent discipline
- Focus
- Good healthy relationships
- Realistic expectations
Discipline
The interesting thing is that the dictionary term for discipline is The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.
That is actually very sad because true discipline does not and should not include punishment. Punishments for the most part should be natural consequences (but, that is not the topic now). [I will get Faige to post on this later, promise!]
I am talking about good, firm, consistent discipline that teaches children limits without anger or punishment. I don’t call time-outs punishment when they are done in the right way and without anger. If by age five, children have already have formed opinions about themselves, then it goes without saying that the type of discipline we give our children when they are young is crucial.
Since children develop self-image by the way we react to their behavior, when we get angry or scream a lot, they feel “like bad children” and act accordingly.
The more effort you put into this when they are younger, the more it will pay off. Read, go to therapy, do whatever you need to do to help yourself and your children with this. (One of the best books that I discovered on discipline in time for my younger children was 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 but, avail yourselves of the great books and websites that are out there about this topic.)
Healthy relationships
Stanley Coopersmith a well know child psychologist says “Good self-esteem comes from the quality of the relationships that exist between the child and those who play a significant role in his life”.
Our children need genuine encounters with their loved ones. Make sure that they are surrounded by people that they can interact with in loving ways.
Focus
For today’s day and age, this is probably one of the more important ones. There are such a plethora of distractions that everyone is dealing with that focus has become a major problem. Focus on your children. Listen to what they are telling you. Put away the cell phones and iPads when you are spending time with them. Look into their eyes.
I know someone who has a bunch of kids. She used to yell a lot when they were kids. Even though they are not all married yet, they may carry these habits to their own children. Yet, they all seem to have good self-esteem. I’ve often wondered about this and then remembered how she would hyper-focus on her kids when they would talk to her and how her attention to them was undivided. This may have been the key to their developing good self-esteem. They may not be the most patient, but they are all quite confident. (This is not to say go yell at your kids, it’s just to bring out a point).
Realistic expectations
Know what to expect of your children age-wise and personality-wise. If you don’t know, then speak to experts. Read and don’t hold them up to anyone else’s standards. This way you will come to truly value them and they will know it.
Those four points are, as I see it, the most crucial points to helping children develop good self-esteem.
If you are aware that you yourself have poor self-esteem, also remember that children are our mirrors and will copy us. The best way to help in this situation is to work on developing your own self-esteem so your children will mirror what you become.
Good luck in this very important and valuable mission!
Faigie Kobre a past early childhood teacher and director is a mother of 6 and grandma of 4. She is the owner of the website EduArt4 Kids.com. She tries to teach parents and teachers how to give children art that makes them better learners and develop good self-esteem. To explain how the right art makes a big impact on learning and self-esteem she has 2 FREE reports that you can go get now.
p.s. Related posts:
Parenting With Purpose from Sleeping Should Be Easy
Parenting: Natural Consequences for Kids
12 Surprising Benefits of Play by parenting guru Dr. Michele Borba
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BEST #OWNVOICES CHILDREN’S BOOKS: My Favorite Diversity Books for Kids Ages 1-12 is a book that I created to highlight books written by authors who share the same marginalized identity as the characters in their books.
SPECTACULAR post! So much good info here, and it’s all very applicable to our situation. I know I will come back to this again and again. And I would very much like to see that post on natural consequences. Although I think I try to discipline that way, sometimes it’s difficult to find what the natural consequence is. Fortunately, I think we are ahead of the curve on relationship. I know I have worked hard to ensure that Dylan and I have a good, open relationship. He and his dad, however, still have some issues in that area.
Thanks, Mia, for sharing your blog with Faige today.
Hi Dee,
My thanks to Faigie for her wonderful and insightful post! I’ll ask her if she wants to do a follow up post on Natural Consequences. I’d love that too!
Thanks so much Dee. I think that everyone still has issues in this area. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs around (and probably the most under appreciated)and we are not finished parenting until our kids have their own kids. (and even then some)
Hi Faigie,
Would you be interested in doing a follow up post on Natural Consequences? No rush at all!
I think I answered this comment in the wrong place. I would love to!
Thank you Faige. I’m excited for your next installment!
I love the idea “that children are from Pluto.” It’s so important to remember that kids are not mini adults.
Hey Erica, Maybe its not too late, maybe I can still write my addendum
Hi Faigie,
I loved your point too that kids are not mini-adults.
Hi Erica,
Ah, we are all planets in the same solar system speaking different languages…yikes, no wonder parenting is so hard! Good point about children are not mini-adults.
Wonderful post…..So many parents try to impose their own unmet needs and standards on their children. Our children are not clones; they are individuals. I also think the point made about self esteem that it does not mean you need to impress others. Our society is too focused on the need for peer acceptance.
I think the trick is Barbara is that we ourselves have to be self aware. If we don’t know that we have unmet needs then we wont know that we are imposing them on our children.
Hi Faigie,
Oh, that we could all be self aware and/or self actualized. Isn’t that the journey of life? Maybe being self aware is also being content with what we have? We’d have less unmet needs if we could just be happy with what we have and who we are. I know that is not easy; self acceptance of even my own body is a lifetime journey!
Hi Barbara,
Parents imposing their unmet needs and standards is what I’d consider Tiger Parenting to be and that is a tough way to grow up. I’m glad Faigie addresses this headon and encourages parents to examine that issue within themselves and seek counseling if necessary.
I also her point that self esteem means that you are secure in yourself and your own opinion of yourself such that other’s don’t matter. It can roll right off, especially if negative. That is such a gift to give kids!
Great, simple, easy to follow ideas. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Stacey. I did try to make them practical
Hi Faigie,
I love that you also broke it down step by step and issue by issue. Self esteem is otherwise so mysterious, like is it a genetic gift or environment?
Hi Stacey,
I’m so glad that you liked Faigie’s post on developing kids’ self esteem too! Thanks so much for your kind words!
This is a well-thought-out post with some great ideas. Thanks!
Thank you Maryanne. Appreciate your support (as usual)
Hi MaryAnne,
And to think she was able to just whip this out. I think this topic is a labor of love that she’s been doing for a long time as a mom. I suspect her kids all have healthy self esteem and what a gift!
This is such a wonderful piece! You are very wise! Thank you for sharing it!
Hi Roshni,
My guest blogger Faigie wrote such a wonderful piece! I was thrilled to share it! I’m glad you liked it.
Sure!! We’ll be in touch
Thanks Faigie!
Great post! Very helpful. Parents / care givers do play a big role in a child’s development. We have to be mindful – thanks for the book recommendations.
Hi iGameMom,
I’m grateful to Faigie for her wonderful post!
Hi i really enjoyed this post. Can I ask you re your last point on expectations – Know what to expect of your children age wise and personality wise.
Do you have any signposts for this area?
Any places to start looking?
Thanks
Hi Alison,
I think I’m going to ask Faigie for some follow up posts. I’ll let her know that you would love some more details. Thanks so much for coming by.
Hi Alison,
Thanks for your question.
I hope my answer won’t be as long as my post
What I mean by realistic expectations age wise is this:
Are they too young to understand that when that certain things are dangerous, that they shouldn’t color on the walls, that they shouldn’t urinate on the carpet, that they shouldn’t bite their younger sibling etc etc etc
Most of these things are not learned as naturally as breathing and walking are and children need to be taught how to behave in most situations.
However, sometimes we try to teach them something before they are ready to learn it and then we get angry because they aren’t listening.
When you find yourself getting angry at a young child for something they did wrong…then you should see it as a warning signal. Think to yourself, maybe my expectations were too high. You will never regret not overreacting so its better to err on the side of caution. (and believe me I know how hard it is)
When my children were little and I had a baby, that baby stayed locked in my bedroom with a baby monitor near me because I knew their older sibling was not ready to basically not attack the baby.
Instead of keeping the baby out in the house and getting angry at the older child for hurting the baby, I realized that they could not be expected to leave her or him alone and therefore dealt with it in a realistic manner.
2 yr olds don’t have lots of patience and cannot be expected to spend long periods with their parents especially in a store without throwing a tantrum.
Unless of course, you know that your child has a very docile personality and can sit for hours. (I actually once knew a child like that, highly unusual)
Since my thing is kids art I am very focused on allowing kids to create according to their age and developmental level. When I see all the copycat crafts that is given to kids all over schools and in the home it makes me crazy because it does not allow children to create according to their level and kids are expected to make projects that mimic adults models.
This makes kids feel that they will never be able to produce like that adult. I actually have a cousin that told me she remembers in school having to copy these crafts projects and thinking “Oh mine will NEVER look like that”
There is a very good book that has a great chapter on realistic expectations for toddlers called “The Mighty Toddler by Robin Barker.
As for other books its good to look on Amazon for books that teach you what to expect at different ages and read the reviews that people write about the book. You can always then get the books from your library if you don’t want to buy it.
I hope I answered your question at least a bit.
Hi Faigie,
Thank you so much for your take on setting realistic expectations. That’s a tough one because parenting is filled with comparisons and expectations from those around us. You are right to take a step back and look inside youself to stay calm and figure out the reason for any anger or frustration. I am looking forward to your next installment!