kids and self esteem, children and self esteem, developing self esteem in kids

Developing Kids’ Self Esteem: 4 Surefire Ways

Please welcome my guest blogger Faigie Kobre with a topic that I had started a few months ago — 50 Ways to Develop Your Child’s Self Esteem — but with no ideas in it. I don’t think I even had a single way written yet. Her post is on developing kids self esteem, a gift that gives back that we, as parents, can bestow upon our children.

Four ways to help your child develop amazing self esteem

Everyone wants their children to have good self esteem. Most parents however, seem clueless as to how to help their children acquire this most precious commodity. There are reams of information written about this topic. I can’t claim to be an expert or to have even read a fraction of what is available. A number of years ago though, I did read an amazing book called Your Child’s Self-Esteem by Dorothy Briggs. She goes through many, many points about self esteem in her wonderful treatise and I am going to share some salient steps to helping your child develop good self esteem.

What is good self esteem

Before we begin, we first need to understand what is good self esteem.

Most people seem to think that it is supreme confidence. Some think it’s when kids think they are great. Often cocky, braggarts come across as having good self esteem.The problem is that kids that seem to think they are great, don’t really think so and inside probably don’t think very well of themselves at all.

Someone with good self esteem doesn’t think they are great. They don’t need to.

When you have self esteem there is no need to impress others, you just feel glad that you are you. Self esteem means that you know that you are lovable no matter what, just because you exist. It’s a feeling of knowing that you have something to offer to others without having to prove yourself.

While self confidence can be broken up into different areas, self esteem is the overall self judgement. It comes across as quiet confidence and the willingness to try anything because if you fail, who cares? … you’re still OK.

When children see themselves as losers, they expect to fail and they act accordingly. Kids with high self esteem rarely act out, they have no need to.

It is so sad how we often unwittingly tend to help with self fulfilling prophecies. Kids that act out get punished and it becomes a vicious cycle.

If we would only realize that these behaviors are defense mechanisms and cover ups for poor self esteem. They are weapons against anxiety, fear, insecurity and inadequacy.

When my oldest (of 6) was young she was very difficult . She was my first and with a strong personality, the product of my inexperience. She acted out in school and at home and I admit that I did not know how to handle her for a long time. I was getting outside help in dealing with her behavior when I started to realize that I needed to hug her more. Because she was so contrary, it was very hard for me to see past her difficult behavior to do so. Once I did realize how much she needed it and that her behavior was a cry for help, it became much easier.

I must have saved her in time because she turned out to be the most amazing mother.

Behaviors that show poor self esteem

There are many types of behavior that point to a child’s lack of self esteem. I am going to address 5 of the most common. Realize that when a child is acting in one of these ways it is a mask for poor self esteem.

Tattling: Children that tattle need to make themselves feel important. Since they don’t know how to get the approval they need, they figure they will tattle on others. Maybe that will make them look better. Often parents and teachers unknowingly encourage this.

Bullying: Bullying has become major problem.It was probably always around, but there is big movement now to curb it. Bullies have lousy self esteem. Lording it over weaker children makes them feel strong and coves up their inadequacies.

boy being bullied

Overeating: Kids that overeat often remember the approval from their mothers when they ate as a child. When they are not getting comfort and support from the people in their lives,  food almost becomes that symbol of affection.

Incessant chattering: Kids that talk incessantly are often doing so because they feel empty inside and need to draw attention to themselves.

The model child: How could this be a problem? Who doesn’t want a model child. Children need to be normal however, and when a child is so compliant and super sweet, they become a slaves to the need to be perfect and feel like they can’t be a normal child.

So how much is a child’s self esteem our fault?

We are our children’s mirrors and mirrors create self image. Children see themselves as we see them, and the way we relate to them sort of tells them how to act.

The good news is that we as parents are not totally responsible for our child’s self esteem. We do play a huge role, however and even though we (hopefully) do the best we can with the tools we have, there are definite ways that we as parents can damage our children’s self esteem. Below are some of the many ways for you to be aware of.

  1. Lack of realistic expectations: Many years ago I wanted to write an addendum to the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus I wanted to add…and children are from pluto (I think it was ousted as a planet right?). My point was to show that children are not born knowing what is the right thing to do. They are coming from a different planet … literally! and need to be shown the right way to do EVERYTHING. When parents have expectations that are too high and kids can’t meet them, they feel their parents’ disappointment and it lowers their self esteem.
  2. Borrowed standards: Whoever said that boys don’t cry, or siblings should only love each other? These are standard we either get from our past or from others and we should be very careful as to what standards we hold up our children to.
  3. Words have tremendous power: Telling a child that they are impossible, or why can’t they be like their sister or talking about them when they can overhear makes them believe that everything we say is true. Remember they don’t know any better, and we are their mirrors. So if we tell them something it must be true.
  4. Our own unmet needs and current hungers: Children’s needs differ from ours. Just because we were not good in sports doesn’t mean we have to force our children to excel in them. We have to know who our children are. We don’t want children to fulfill a need that we never fulfilled like being a star student.
  5. Our own unfinished business: This is very closely connected to our own current hungers. If we had an older sibling and our child reminds us of that older sibling that we did not like, that child may get the full brunt of what we never were able to give our sibling.

So now that we know that loving our children is not enough, what are some practical steps we can take to help them develop self esteem.

Practical steps to help our children develop good self esteem

Did you know that by age 5 a child has already formed an opinion about himself. He mirrored what we thought of him, remember?

So if you are a parent of younger children keep these points in mind as early on as you can.

If your child is over 5 and you feel that you made many mistakes, remember “you did the best you can with the tools you have.”  It’s not too late and you can use your new tools now to help them. Children that have had poor early experiences can be helped with many genuine, positive encounters.

Don’t forget that there are many, many things that contribute to a child’s good self esteem. I picked out only four that I thought were some of the most important.

Ms. Briggs spends a lot of time in her book talking about a climate of love that the child needs to be surrounded with. You need to know what that means and you also need to realize that loving your child is not enough ... they need to clearly KNOW they they are loved.

There are 4 ways to do this.

  1. Good consistent discipline
  2. Focus
  3. Good healthy relationships
  4. Realistic expectations

Discipline

The interesting thing is that the dictionary term for discipline is The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.

That is actually very sad because true discipline does not and should not include punishment. Punishments for the most part should be natural consequences (but,that is not the topic now). [I will get Faige to post on this later, promise!]

I am taking about good, firm, consistent discipline that teaches children limits without anger or punishment. I don’t call time outs punishment when they are done in the right way and without anger. If by age five, children have already have formed opinions about themselves, then it goes without saying that the type of discipline we give our children when they are young is crucial.

Since children develop self image by the way we react to their behavior, when we get angry or scream a lot, they feel “like bad children” and act accordingly.

The more effort you put into this when they are younger, the more it will pay off. Read, go to therapy, do whatever you need to do to help yourself and your children with this. (One of the best books that I discovered on discipline in time for my younger children was 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 but, avail yourselves of the great books and websites that are out there about this topic.)

Healthy relationships

Stanley Coopersmith a well know child psychologist says “Good self esteem comes from the quality of the relationships that exist between the child and those who play a significant role in his life”.

Our children need genuine encounters with their loved ones. Make sure that they are surrounded by people that they can interact with in loving ways.

first steps

Ian Koh via Compfight

Focus

For today’s day and age this is probably one of the more important ones. There is such a plethora of distractions that everyone is dealing with that focus has become a major problem. Focus on your children. Listen to what they are telling you. Put away the cell phones and iPads when you are spending time with them. Look into their eyes.

I know someone who has a bunch of kids. She used to yell a lot when they were kids.  Even though they are not all married yet, they may carry these habits to their own children. Yet, they all seem to have good self esteem. I’ve often wondered about this and them remembered how she would hyper focus on her kids when they would talk to her and how her attention to them was undivided. This may have been the key to their developing good self esteem. They may not be the most patient, but they are all quite confident. (This is not to say go yell at your kids, it’s just to bring out a point).

Listen to your kids

Bindaas Madhavi via Compfight

Realistic expectations

Know what to expect of your children age wise and personality wise. If you don’t know, then speak to experts. Read and don’t hold them up to anyone else’s standards. This way you will come to truly value them and they will know it.

Those four points are, as I see it, the most crucial points to helping children develop good self esteem.

If you are aware that you yourself have poor self esteem, also remember that children are our mirrors and will copy us. The best way to help in this situation is to work on developing your  own self esteem so your children will mirror what you become.

Good luck in this very important and valuable mission!

Faigie Kobre a past early childhood teacher and director is a mother of 6 and Grandma of 4. She is the owner of the website EduArt4 Kids.com. She tries to teach parents and teachers how to give children art that makes them better learners and develop good self esteem. To explain how the right art makes a big impact on learning and self esteem she has 2 FREE reports that you can go get now.

Click on image of any book to view more closely at Amazon. I’m an Affiliate.

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By Mia Wenjen, PragmaticMom

31 Comments

  1. Dee

    SPECTACULAR post! So much good info here, and it’s all very applicable to our situation. I know I will come back to this again and again. And I would very much like to see that post on natural consequences. Although I think I try to discipline that way, sometimes it’s difficult to find what the natural consequence is. Fortunately, I think we are ahead of the curve on relationship. I know I have worked hard to ensure that Dylan and I have a good, open relationship. He and his dad, however, still have some issues in that area.

    Thanks, Mia, for sharing your blog with Faige today.
    Dee recently posted…10 ADHD Evacuation TipsMy Profile

  2. Thanks so much Dee. I think that everyone still has issues in this area. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs around (and probably the most under appreciated)and we are not finished parenting until our kids have their own kids. (and even then some)
    Faigie recently posted…Spending lots of time outdoors this Summer….some summer art activities to make your time outdoors that much more funMy Profile

  3. I love the idea “that children are from Pluto.” It’s so important to remember that kids are not mini adults.
    Erica recently posted…20+ Native American Folktale Picture Books for KidsMy Profile

  4. Wonderful post…..So many parents try to impose their own unmet needs and standards on their children. Our children are not clones; they are individuals. I also think the point made about self esteem that it does not mean you need to impress others. Our society is too focused on the need for peer acceptance.

  5. Great, simple, easy to follow ideas. Thanks for sharing!
    Stacey recently posted…Twitterature: July EditionMy Profile

  6. This is a well-thought-out post with some great ideas. Thanks!
    maryanne recently posted…Rainy Day Activities for Kids: Sticky Wall Play ScapeMy Profile

  7. This is such a wonderful piece! You are very wise! Thank you for sharing it!
    Roshni recently posted…Should I blog or should I write?My Profile

  8. Great post! Very helpful. Parents / care givers do play a big role in a child’s development. We have to be mindful – thanks for the book recommendations.
    iGameMom recently posted…Explore Emotions and Feelings from Interactive Play – Avokiddo EmotionsMy Profile

  9. Alison

    Hi i really enjoyed this post. Can I ask you re your last point on expectations – Know what to expect of your children age wise and personality wise.
    Do you have any signposts for this area?
    Any places to start looking?
    Thanks

    • Hi Alison,
      I think I’m going to ask Faigie for some follow up posts. I’ll let her know that you would love some more details. Thanks so much for coming by.
      Pragmatic Mom recently posted…Healthy Milk Alternatives for KidsMy Profile

    • Hi Alison,
      Thanks for your question.
      I hope my answer won’t be as long as my post

      What I mean by realistic expectations age wise is this:

      Are they too young to understand that when that certain things are dangerous, that they shouldn’t color on the walls, that they shouldn’t urinate on the carpet, that they shouldn’t bite their younger sibling etc etc etc

      Most of these things are not learned as naturally as breathing and walking are and children need to be taught how to behave in most situations.

      However, sometimes we try to teach them something before they are ready to learn it and then we get angry because they aren’t listening.

      When you find yourself getting angry at a young child for something they did wrong…then you should see it as a warning signal. Think to yourself, maybe my expectations were too high. You will never regret not overreacting so its better to err on the side of caution. (and believe me I know how hard it is)

      When my children were little and I had a baby, that baby stayed locked in my bedroom with a baby monitor near me because I knew their older sibling was not ready to basically not attack the baby.

      Instead of keeping the baby out in the house and getting angry at the older child for hurting the baby, I realized that they could not be expected to leave her or him alone and therefore dealt with it in a realistic manner.

      2 yr olds don’t have lots of patience and cannot be expected to spend long periods with their parents especially in a store without throwing a tantrum.

      Unless of course, you know that your child has a very docile personality and can sit for hours. (I actually once knew a child like that, highly unusual)

      Since my thing is kids art I am very focused on allowing kids to create according to their age and developmental level. When I see all the copycat crafts that is given to kids all over schools and in the home it makes me crazy because it does not allow children to create according to their level and kids are expected to make projects that mimic adults models.

      This makes kids feel that they will never be able to produce like that adult. I actually have a cousin that told me she remembers in school having to copy these crafts projects and thinking “Oh mine will NEVER look like that”

      There is a very good book that has a great chapter on realistic expectations for toddlers called “The Mighty Toddler by Robin Barker.

      As for other books its good to look on Amazon for books that teach you what to expect at different ages and read the reviews that people write about the book. You can always then get the books from your library if you don’t want to buy it.

      I hope I answered your question at least a bit.
      Faigie recently posted…How creative can kids get with one variable plus crayons?My Profile

      • Hi Faigie,
        Thank you so much for your take on setting realistic expectations. That’s a tough one because parenting is filled with comparisons and expectations from those around us. You are right to take a step back and look inside youself to stay calm and figure out the reason for any anger or frustration. I am looking forward to your next installment!
        Pragmatic Mom recently posted…Healthy Milk Alternatives for KidsMy Profile

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